Struggling…Day 23

I’m gonna be honest, I’m struggling. I am struggling because I am not happy. I struggle to talk to my husband about my thoughts and feelings, but it always ends up being an argument. I could go into detail but I am not comfortable with expressing that much personal information. Not only do I not want to “air” my personal relationship problems out of respect for my husband but I have also found that no matter what, the reader will side with the writer and the husband always ends up sounding like a jerk. And while we all have our moments in life that we all can sound like a jerk, that is not my goal. My goal is to get more perspective and better myself.

I am struggling because I am not happy and I don’t see how I can solve my problems to make me happy. Our conversations end up being about the negative things in our relationship and will often put one on defense to the point that both of us will feel defensive and there is no productive solution or communication. Resentment builds and the problems lingers day in and day out. My husband is not unfaithful to me and nor does he hit me but I am still not happy because I feel like we are at the point that we are living side by side. He doesn’t worry if I eat. I cry and most often he does not notice. I try to not cry in front of him anymore because my crying will lead him to ask me what is wrong and from there, it is not productive.

Communication is not our best attribute in our relationship. This morning he noticed me crying and when he inquired, I said, “Nothing.” When he questioned about me crying about “nothing” and I responded, “Nothing that we will talk about.” Yes, I know that I was not communicating well there but at the same time, I can no longer argue…it is exhausting and painful. Arguments bring painful comments from the other and those words can not be taken away. Instead, I have learned to not say anything…but then the resentment and anger builds….what a horrible cycle.

It seems like  he recognizes it from time to time and tries to make an effort. One day when he could feel me pulling away, he walked up and told me that he wanted to be my best friend. I pray often. And when he says certain things, I feel like I need to put forth more effort to not let things bother me so much. But then things fall back into the same cycles and nothing changes.

So, I am struggling. I am not being productive in my relationship and I feel like I have become less productive in my life too. Hence, I am talking to myself here on WordPress. I tell myself I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have a best friend in my husband. I deserve being able to talk to him about anything and everything….but am I wrong? Do I desire too much? Am I really just here alone wandering through life alone? Alone in my head…alone in taking care of me…Will I always feel like this, struggling alone? I don’t know…I am working on it between my head and here…in due time.

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