I told my husband that I wanted to leave. By this I mean I want to move out and divorce. I have been thinking and warning for some time that I am getting to that point. Easter night was the final straw. After him getting drunk and saying things he says he does not remember…But I do and his lashing words have left deep cuts that you cannot see.
I could not sleep until late because I was considering telling him in the morning I was ready to leave. Come morning, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack getting the courage up to say those words….And I did.
But I am still here. Why? He asked me if I was in a hurry and if I could wait until this weekend to see if I feel the same way. He said that leaving is like cheating, once you go, you can not come back.
I don’t want to make a mistake by leaving. He is the most loyal person I have met. My last marriage of 20 years, I can’t count how many times the relationship was assualted by infidelity. I have never had the confidence that when my husband left, I knew where he was really going. Now, my husband leaves to run an errand, I’m not worrying about who he is doing because I know I am his only partner.
But I cannot base our relationship success soley on fidelity. A relationship requires more than one to just be faithful sexually. I need to feel as if I am loved for who am, not the ideal person he wants to make me into. I want to be remembered or be the person he takes into consideration when making decisions. My feelings are not a social justice warrior’s words and agressions. My feelings are directly affected by others around me…And if you don’t care if I eat or not because you only make ham that I don’t like, or do nothing to help me when I am sick, my feelings are going to respond with being hurt. I end up feeling alone. And when I bring it up, I am told there are plenty of other things to eat or I have an entitled mentality. 😞 I am NOT a social justice warrior and I believe my husband should be the one to always take MY feelings into consideration when making decisions…Including on having beans and ham for dinner…That again he knows I don’t like.
Easter Sunday I spent angry and hurt. Monday I spent crying, talking, yelling, and asking questions to better communicate. Tuesday we talked some in the morning but it was my son’s birthday, so more time was also spent on him. Wednesday, I am sitting here waiting to see how our day will go. He told me the purpose of waiting until this weekend is so we could have time to talk it out. Will we talk it out or will he avoid it like usual? I guess I will know, in due time.