Smoking…

I smoked for a number of years…More than what I care to admit. But I also quit for a number of years too. Near the end of my first marriage, I started smoking again. It was what helped me drive the words out of my mouth to get a divorce. Needless to say, there is a pattern….I started smoking again and used it to drive words from my mouth again. I don’t want to say the cigarette is the cause of divorce, it is just a crutch I have used and I see the same similarities.

Well, I am still here with my 2nd husband and I admitted to him that I started smoking again. He noticed the similarities too. However, he isn’t a smoker….He drinks. (He picked up the habit from me in the beginning of our relationship but we quit a few years ago) I tried drinking when he and I were dating and have even tried to find drinks that I might like through the years. But in the end, I just don’t like drinking and how it makes me feel…I commonly will vomit and wake with a massive headache…Great way for me NOT to want to drink.

Well, once my husband learned of me smoking again, he started drinking more. So I had a choice, quit smoking or know he is going to drink more and his words and actions will get worse. Over the past week of me quiting smoking, he has worked on making things better….He has helped with the kids, lead a family meeting about chores, and even has more motivation to work our business. So, me not smoking is a good thing….Good for my health and good for our relationship. Then why am I still angry?

I haven’t smoked for over a week now. The nicotine is out of my system. The first 24 hours is the worst in making one cranky, so I kept to myself. It angered my husband and he told me that I am obviously not happy and should just leave and even told me he regretted talking me into staying….But I kept my mouth shut. Did he mean it?

The withdrawal past and I have resisted the urge to smoke knowing that if I do, he will drink liquor instead of just beer. But I am still angry. I still want a cigarette. So I still struggle in my head knowing all the above and I even get irritated at him when he leaves to get beer or goes to his mom’s room (where he would get shots of whiskey from). I don’t ask him if he got a shot or if he bought only beer….I stay in my head telling myself I can only control me.

But that’s the problem, I want to be the person that controls me, not someone else. I’m an adult but can’t make the choice to smoke to help me think and keep my head straight. Yes, that is what I do when I smoke…I chill. I found when I smoked behind his back, I didn’t have as many outbursts or my frustrations we’re easier to deal with because I would chill with a cigarette. Instead of pointing out in anger that the Dogopoloy has been sitting there for 3 days, I would smoke a cigarette and let him deal with it or find the patience to ask someone nicely to take care of it. I no longer have that crutch and am getting more irritated by the day. We had a family meeting and covered that they haven’t been doing the chores and went through the rules or expectations… They are all teens and close to being adults. I should not have so much trouble getting them to clean up after themselves…They aren’t babies anymore and their Mom HAS taught them to clean up after themselves.

So a cigarette helped. It helped me to bite my tongue and I found more patience while chilling. Not anymore.

I have to be the perfect ideal person….But it is impossible to fill and not be angry.

I hope my anger will subside…In due time.

Are you in a hurry?

I told my husband that I wanted to leave. By this I mean I want to move out and divorce. I have been thinking and warning for some time that I am getting to that point. Easter night was the final straw. After him getting drunk and saying things he says he does not remember…But I do and his lashing words have left deep cuts that you cannot see. 

I could not sleep until late because I was considering telling him in the morning I was ready to leave. Come morning, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack getting the courage up to say those words….And I did.

But I am still here. Why? He asked me if I was in a hurry and if I could wait until this weekend to see if I feel the same way. He said that leaving is like cheating, once you go, you can not come back. 

I don’t want to make a mistake by leaving. He is the most loyal person I have met. My last marriage of 20 years, I can’t count how many times the relationship was assualted by infidelity. I have never had the confidence that when my husband left, I knew where he was really going. Now, my husband leaves to run an errand, I’m not worrying about who he is doing because I know I am his only partner.

But I cannot base our relationship success soley on fidelity. A relationship requires more than one to just be faithful sexually. I need to feel as if I am loved for who am, not the ideal person he wants to make me into. I want to be remembered or be the person he takes into consideration when making decisions. My feelings are not a social justice warrior’s words and agressions. My feelings are directly affected by others around me…And if you don’t care if I eat or not because you only make ham that I don’t like, or do nothing to help me when I am sick, my feelings are going to respond with being hurt. I end up feeling alone. And when I bring it up, I am told there are plenty of other things to eat or I have an entitled mentality. ūüėě I am NOT a social justice warrior and I believe my husband should be the one to always take MY feelings into consideration when making decisions…Including on having beans and ham for dinner…That again he knows I don’t like. 

Easter Sunday I spent angry ‚Äčand hurt. Monday I spent crying, talking, yelling, and asking questions to better communicate. Tuesday we talked some in the morning but it was my son’s birthday, so more time was also spent on him. Wednesday, I am sitting here waiting to see how our day will go. He told me the purpose of waiting until this weekend is so we could have time to talk it out. Will we talk it out or will he avoid it like usual? I guess I will know, in due time. 

Happy wife, happy life…Day 37

I am in the process of reading a very interesting book called, ‘The Fall of Western Man’. I will not go into the book in full detail but it is a book I would strongly suggest reading.

Here is a quote: “If¬†the male can be described as the ‘head of the house’, the¬†female could easily be described as the ‘heart of the home’.”

We often struggle in relationships that do not acknowledge the natural roles of nature. By this I mean, women naturally nurture and men naturally show authority or strength. I am not saying that women are not strong or men are not able to be caring. What I am saying is each person in a relationship has a natural role. With this given role, each must understand that the female is more emotionally driven while the man is more physically driven. 

With that said, I would like remind those out there that when you have a happy wife, you have a happy life. If you do not want her “nagging” you to get something done, then do it with the understanding that she feels it needs to be done for a reason. This small accomplishment leads to her being happy and in turn, she shows her loving side that you would prefer to see.¬†

It can also be applied to parenting. Mother’s being the natural sensitive person, it hurts her to have to reprimand the children on a constant basis. If a mother says to the child, “Wait till your father gets home.”, it is because she is acknowledging that the child is going beyond her authority level and needs the masculine assertion from the father. While this may sound like the child is not respecting the authority of the mother, you are correct….That is why the parents operate as a co-parent and back each other up when one is feeling overwhelmed. The father steps in and his feelings are not so tense from handling it and can rationalize with the child with authority to teach the child the with appropriate reprimand.¬†

Don’t forget that in this world where we always want to forced equality, we are not the same by nature and we should acknowledge those attributes in our relationships. Because a happy wife gives you a happy life…In due time.

Feeling unloved…Day 36

Quite often I feel unloved. I am a mother that has to reprimand, deliver consequences, be the enforcement, the one that says no, give hard advice, and even the person that is viewed as a warden or hard ass. But I have feelings too. I clean up after you and you don’t even know it. I take care of the small things you don’t even think about before they become a gigantic problem. I am the one that remembers each person’s birthday, likes and dislikes, thinks of you when no one else does, and tries to get you to reach for your best.

I am often the person that is greeted by yelling, an argument, complaints, pains, scratches to stitches, and complete disrespect. You would think after how much I do for all those around me that those would not have an issue with expressing appreciation or follow through with chores and responsibilities. You would think that even how much I care for even my dog that she would whine for me instead of my husband who only acts as a cuddler to her.

No, I am feeling unloved and unappreciated. And when I am gone, they will learn the role I served…In due time.

I’m angry…Day 35

I find I am angry quite often at my husband. I don’t go out of my way to pick fights, rather I feel he goes out of his way to pick fights with me. I know often it is when he is drinking. Alcohol does not do our relationship well. I have never given him an ultimatum that he quite drinking or I leave because he has to make that decision himself. Instead I pray and hope that things will change.

I have my own faults and I deal with my own issues. We all have issues that we have to face, just some different from others. I don’t think he is a bad person because he instigates arguments when he is drinking, in fact, he is a very caring and loyal person. Because of knowing who he is, I have struggled through the years with his ups and downs. But when is it enough for me?

I have asked myself, how many times do I brush it off and forgive? The reason I have made it this far is because the answer of…

Matthew 18:21-22¬†21Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”22Jesus said to him,¬†“I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

This doesn’t mean literally 77 times. What this means is that you should always forgive as God ALWAYS forgives us of our sins because of his love for us. This is a tough lesson. While I know in my heart that I have asked for forgiveness of my own wrongdoings, I feel reassured and loved by God that he will ALWAYS love and accept me. This attribute is what a marriage is supposed to hold. This is why I say that your spouse should be your best friend…The person that will love you and accept you, even when you have done wrong… Because that wrong does not make the whole person. It is an instant…A mistake because we are not perfect.

So…I find myself angry often and I push myself to remember that I can not change him. I can not make him do anything he doesn’t not want to do. I pray that God will give a loving hand but I also know that His will be done….In due time.

Need more confidence…Day 34

I am still finding that I have trouble writing with anyone around. Even though this post could be read on the web by anyone, I still feel a sense of being alone with my thoughts here. But if I am not physically alone, I don’t feel comfortable with typing out my thoughts for someone else to look over my shoulder and scrutinize. 

Particularly, I don’t want my husband to look over my shoulder; not because anything I say is disrespectful to him but because he is my biggest critic. I tend to take things more personally than what people intend and with that, I tend to take my husband’s words harsher than what he intends. This isn’t his fault, it is mine for being insecure. 

My insecurity comes from my many experiences through life. And while my mother would encourage me to become whatever my heart desires, my heart aches because I do not hear encouraging words enough. I know I can do anything I set my mind to…But I am a person that needs someone else to give me loving nudges. I’m not lazy, just insecure…But I’m working on it…In due time. 

Cheaper to keep her…Day 33

Cheaper to keep her, those are some painful words when in regards to having a marriage. It seems that phrase can be put in place of my past and current marriage. Regardless of how angry you are, these words should never be said because you should not be able to put a price tag on ones that you supposedly love.

It was pointed out to me that since my first marriage produced 7 children, my marriage longevity may have been attributed to the phrase, ‘It is cheaper to keep her’. I guess if one is concerned about the child support payments, then yes, it would be cheaper. And yes, it could still be applied to my current marriage¬†that it is cheaper to keep her because she helps to pay the bills or run a business. But is that how you want to live your life?

Those words are painful to hear have been said about me.
My daugther was informed by her father that they will not be able to visit him this summer due to “you mom over charging me for all the court shit” (typo intentional). First, the child support is reviewing the child support case because one of the children are now 18 years old. There is NOTHING I am doing to charge him anything in court. In fact, if he is being charged any more, it is because the COURT found he has further fullfillment required since the case was not last reviewed for 6 years now. Nor have I seen any increased child support…in fact, the child support has been less since the state took over the transfer of funds. But the implication that it was my fault for his issues with Child Support Services should have not been addressed with her and then made me think about the “cheaper to keep her” statement.

If you have a relationship that is on the edge of breaking, stop and think about what you say because you never know if those are the words that will cut the deepest…in due time.