Zum Bar…Day 29

This is not an advertisement. Since I have not been feeling well with a lingering headache, I thought I would touch on something that I enjoy when I am not feeling well.

Zum Bar Goat’s Milk Soap

I use to enjoy Bath and Body Works and don’t get me wrong, I hope that store never discontinues the Moonlight Path scent! But my mother-in-law recently introduced me to Zum Bar during a grocery trip. I immediately fell in love with the Lavender-Lemon & Patchouli bar! At first I reluctant because the soap costs $1.59 per oz at our local store but my mother-in-law said she would buy it because we all need a small splurge every now and then. I was so grateful for her buying me that first bar because I was even more captivated by it when I showered!!! The shower was filled with the scent and after the first time I showered with it, I walked around the rest of the day thinking that everything smelled really good…but then my daughter commented about every time I walk by, she could smell me and my Zum Bar. It made me smile.

So, even if I am not feeling well, I will focus on the positive and look forward to the shower…when I can squeeze in my turn after mommy chores…in due time.

Zum Bar Goat’s Milk Soap

Headache again…Day 28

I didn’t write yesterday because I was hurting with a really bad headache that made me want to vomit and lay down. The pain lasted all day and has lingered all day today. I don’t know it is seasonal allergies, the change of the weather, or something new that I have eaten. The only thing new that I have eaten is a pre-cooked microwave bacon and blueberry muffin. While I tend to not believe that it was not the muffin, I fear it may have been the bacon. But to linger into today and this evening as well?

If  it is seasonal allergies, then I am in a world of hurt soon because our work season is starting soon too.

To make matter worse, my husband and I have been arguing too. Arguing leads me to feel sick with the stress too. I have a lot to ponder about all that was said but it will have to wait for another day when I am feeling better…in due time.

Divorce…Day 27

Divorce…It was an action I swore I would never let happen. Marriage met till death due us part. My father was married 4 times! I asked about why  he married so many times and he told me that his wives left him or they were crazy…literally. His fourth wife was different because they didn’t have any children together. In fact, I think I was a big part of the reason why they divorced. He wasn’t happy anyways and maybe I just helped him make the decision to divorce. Regardless, my father never married again. He told me that I was the only female he needed in his life anymore. And I did take care of him for a long time…until he decided it was time to move back to Michigan and spend some time there with his other children. I knew what that meant…but maybe that is a story for some other time.

So my father had advice to give me on marriage. He didn’t give me advice on what to do but more of what NOT to do.
Never go to bed angry.
One would think that such simple words would be easy to live by but they are not.

I was married for 20 years before I succumbed to divorce and I am now on my second marriage for 4 years, together for 6 years. There are times that I fear that my current marriage will fail too and then I fixate on why I feel this way. I often come to conclusion that I do not follow my father’s rule…Never go to bed angry.

How do you never go to bed angry when at some point one stops talking just so the arguing will stop? And if you wake angry the next morning, are you wrong for bringing it back up or do you let it go truly resulting in it being bottled up and becoming a quick fuse?

I then turn to the Bible and verses.

EPHESIANS 4:26
(I will give a few different interpretations.)
KJ- “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath,”
CJB- “Be angry, but don’t sin — don’t let the sun go down before you have dealt with the cause of your anger;”
Ok, so I get where my father told me to ‘Never to go to bed angry’.
I have yet to master.

Mark 10:12 – “And if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery”
Luke 16:18 – “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.”
Matthew 5:31-32 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Well, now I am confused. If the marriage is not faithful, is it okay for a divorce then? Am I and my current husband (on his 3rd marriage) living in sin? Does that make the marriage wrong? Or does it make it doomed to fail? I am left with more questions than what I started with and I never seem to find the answer.

So, the lesson today? Before you ever get married, be sure that person is the one that you can foresee being with you until you are both old. Before you get married be sure that is your best friend that will be a true partner and hold you up when you are down. Before you get married, remember you never want to get a divorce and the person is someone you will always find a ‘I love you’ for even when you are mad. But most of all, be sure before you get married that you both agree to “Never go to bed angry”. As for me…I’m still working on it and maybe one day I will master it…in due time.

Fake News…Day 26

I am not one to frequent Facebook but when I do, I find there are always news articles that give you a headline to make you believe one thing but when you research the article, you find that it was exaggerated or just really embellished to get more clicks. In fact, I remember before Facebook started being the thing, my mother would forward me supposed news articles that I would have to then tell her that were not true and were just a story that some details were changed and cycled through the years but were verified as being NOT true. Often one would find Snopes would be a site that would give the scoop on any bogus email chains.

Now news has changed with our advancement of technology. We get news within minutes of the event and often can find a live feed on Youtube. There are numerous alternate news sources that give you the scoop and the links to verify the information is true. But there is the problem, with more independent and alternative news sources popping up everyday, the old school mass media is on the decline. With that decline comes any news story to get the clicks or hits or views.

What is a person to do with all these sources and to find the Real news?

When I do post anything, I try not to post anything that is too political because I have family on both sides of the spectrum. I know that some of the things that I feel should be said would hurt their feelings so I don’t post. It doesn’t stop them from posting…but then I am not one that likes confrontation. However, during this past election, I did comment on some news articles to some family members telling them that they should check the facts of both sides before making a decision. While I thought that was sound advice, I was asked for articles. I posted articles from reputable news sources but I was then ignored. I guess the facts were not well received.

So what is the point? There really is such thing as “Fake News”. You need to put on your critical thinking hat and look at a story. What is really being said? Is there information left out to sway you? Journalists use to go after the real story because they knew the truth was more news worthy than some embellished details. While society has gone off the deep end always looking for the most insane off your rocker story, I believe there is a counter movement happening…we want the real news…we want facts to back up the story. Don’t be afraid to read beyond the bullet points of a news article. Read the full article and don’t be afraid to use the tools at your fingertips to verify because if you truly stop and look at the facts of the full spectrum, then you will know the Real News…in due time.

Bernie Sanders calls CNN Fake News and more

Conservatism is the New Counter Culture

Life.Church…Day 25

I have always been a spiritual or religious person. For a long time I followed the labels. I explored different religions. I even attended Catholic Mass and confession during military basic training. But for a long time, because I found the Christian churches I went to were not Godly people, I taught my children the balance of life. I taught them right from wrong and respect for others. I even taught them the doubts I had on religion. For teaching them my doubts, I deeply regrets.

I fear that teaching them my doubts and not raising them with the label of Christianity has hurt them. Or at least, I fear it may have led a few further from the path than I had hoped.

This past October my sister-in-law invited us to Life.Church for the baptism of her two children. I was totally excited! When I got to the church, it was not what I expected. It was loud with colorful spotlights dark and bright at the same time like a concert. It was not a church I have ever attended! But we sat and was there for family. To my surprise, I enjoyed the service! I enjoyed it so much that I looked forward to hearing the next Sunday service. To be honest though, after a couple of months we stopped going in person and started casting it on the TV at home. While I prefer the at home on TV experience, my husband prefers the in person experience.

Each week there is something in the service that speaks to the happenings of my life. (Today Pastor Craig talked about his wife being his best friend…something I have been talking about with my husband) And while I have listened and learned each week, my heart always pulls me back to my older children that I did not raise in a Christian home. I worry most about my eldest that seems to struggle with finding the right person to share his life with. And I fear that my other son that now lives with him will share in the like emotional detachment. Don’t get me wrong, my children are good people and adults. I love them and am very proud of each of them. I just worry that some may have fallen away from God’s path too far.

So, what is the point of the blog today besides the rambling of my shortcomings and finding the right service? My point is never give up finding the right service for you. If you are searching for Jesus and need some guidance, pray. Don’t give up. I am happy to have found Life.Church. And if you have wouldn’t mind, please pray for my older boys that they will come back to the path of love and light with Jesus…in due time.

I Want to Believe But…Part 1 On-Demand God

I Want to Believe But…Part 2 Killjoy God

I Want to Believe But…Part 3 Goosebump God

I Want to Believe But…Part 4 Heartless God

 

February 11th…Day 24

It has been 18 years since February 11th, 1999…the day my father passed away. I was 24 yrs old when my dad passed and I was pregnant with child number 6. I never got to tell him that I was having another baby. He was concerned for me when I told him when I was pregnant with number 5. I hadn’t the chance to call him and tell him yet. Instead of me making a phone call to him, my eldest sister that I barely knew called me to tell me that he may not make it through the night.

I was on a plane that night! I flew all night and being in the early stages of pregnancy exhaustion, that was not an easy task. I wasn’t known well to my older siblings since I was the product of my father’s 3rd marriage. And since they didn’t know me and I was young and alone, I ended up stuffed in a corner. I watched as others talked and took my father down memory lane in his barely conscious morphine induced stupor. I was angry that morphine was forced down his throat when he was just starting to come out of it. I never really got to let him know that I was there. And for that, I hold a lot of regret.

I should have spoke at his funeral. I should have talked about his life when he lived in Florida because all these relatives knew of my father was when he lived in Michigan. I regret not talking to him more about the Great Depression…my father was born in 1929. I remember him telling me of the radio being the center of stories in the evening. My father lived through so much history and I now feel that I am at an wiser age to appreciate his stories…he is gone.

I used to have a fear of the age 45 years old. I grew up with my father being very ill through my years alone with him. He told me that doctors were surprised that he lived past 45 years old! I remember a night he was having a hard time getting a breath and I couldn’t find his pills. I was so scared. I talked to him about it afterwards and he told me that God would not take him until he had a full life. My dad told me his full life was when he saw me married with a family and know that his baby would be taken care of.
Well, my Dad lived a full life…and while I wish my children would have gotten to know him, I know he lives on through me.

I am no longer afraid of turning 45 years old because I know that I will be here for my children, just as my father was here for me. And I hope that they will know my father and me without any regrets…in due time.

Struggling…Day 23

I’m gonna be honest, I’m struggling. I am struggling because I am not happy. I struggle to talk to my husband about my thoughts and feelings, but it always ends up being an argument. I could go into detail but I am not comfortable with expressing that much personal information. Not only do I not want to “air” my personal relationship problems out of respect for my husband but I have also found that no matter what, the reader will side with the writer and the husband always ends up sounding like a jerk. And while we all have our moments in life that we all can sound like a jerk, that is not my goal. My goal is to get more perspective and better myself.

I am struggling because I am not happy and I don’t see how I can solve my problems to make me happy. Our conversations end up being about the negative things in our relationship and will often put one on defense to the point that both of us will feel defensive and there is no productive solution or communication. Resentment builds and the problems lingers day in and day out. My husband is not unfaithful to me and nor does he hit me but I am still not happy because I feel like we are at the point that we are living side by side. He doesn’t worry if I eat. I cry and most often he does not notice. I try to not cry in front of him anymore because my crying will lead him to ask me what is wrong and from there, it is not productive.

Communication is not our best attribute in our relationship. This morning he noticed me crying and when he inquired, I said, “Nothing.” When he questioned about me crying about “nothing” and I responded, “Nothing that we will talk about.” Yes, I know that I was not communicating well there but at the same time, I can no longer argue…it is exhausting and painful. Arguments bring painful comments from the other and those words can not be taken away. Instead, I have learned to not say anything…but then the resentment and anger builds….what a horrible cycle.

It seems like  he recognizes it from time to time and tries to make an effort. One day when he could feel me pulling away, he walked up and told me that he wanted to be my best friend. I pray often. And when he says certain things, I feel like I need to put forth more effort to not let things bother me so much. But then things fall back into the same cycles and nothing changes.

So, I am struggling. I am not being productive in my relationship and I feel like I have become less productive in my life too. Hence, I am talking to myself here on WordPress. I tell myself I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have a best friend in my husband. I deserve being able to talk to him about anything and everything….but am I wrong? Do I desire too much? Am I really just here alone wandering through life alone? Alone in my head…alone in taking care of me…Will I always feel like this, struggling alone? I don’t know…I am working on it between my head and here…in due time.

Acne…Day 22

Acne…such a horrible word that makes one think eww. Acne is a part of life no matter what your age. Babies tend to get what is called “baby acne”. That is caused by the hormones from mom to baby within a couple of months after birth. Of course there are the teens years when one’s hormones are raging into puberty. I haven’t met a teen yet that ever went through his or her puberty stages without being hit with a acne stick, good or bad. But I have found that no matter the age, we all suffer acne.

When I was a teen, all I was told was that I would grow out of it. Sure, I grew out of being a teen with acne into being a woman that would suffer a flare up once a month with my period. Just when I thought I would have a nice clear complexion, up boiled an ugly pimple with my period. It wasn’t enough that I had to deal with the pain from my period but I also would have to tend to a growing mountain on my face that I would then have to judge to pop or leave alone. Yes, I know dermatologists say to not pop them…but come on, we all have been there.

Later I learned that being pregnant came with its own set of acne. Pregnancy not only beings on MORE hormones but also more oil production. Have you ever heard of a pregnant woman has that shine or a glow about her? Yeah, the truth is, the shine or glow is extra oil production. Thank again Mother Nature for another round of “don’t look at me” face.

Now that I am past my baby, teen, puberty, and pregnancy years, I hoped that I would have more clear skin. And while I do not have the common monthly flare ups anymore, I do still have acne. Spring comes and my allergies will come out through my skin too. Or my job doesn’t exactly keep me clean, since I work outside with dirt, grass, and weeds stuck to me for hours, does not help to stop blackheads. Eww, that’s another acne form…blackheads. I don’t care what a dermatologist says, those blackheads do NOT come out on their own. I have seen some people leave them and it just makes their pore bigger and bigger. By the time the black head is removed, the pore is a large hole and may not go back down to the once smaller size.

So if acne is so common, why do we all feel so embarrassed by it? Why would I feel so insecure that I would not ask my husband to help me with one that I can not reach or see myself? In fact, even other animals get acne. Before the skin of a cow is stretched and pulled into leather, it has to be expressed of any flaws aka acne.

And before I leave the subject, let me just say that ProActiv does NOT work!!! Ok, it didn’t work for me. It actually made my skin crack and bleed. When I tried to call to report it the company, I was told to keep using it and my skin would get use to it. Umm….well, I tried for a couple months and no…my skin looked like I was burned. Sorry ProActiv, your product was NOT for me!

I know I am not a young doe anymore and my looks are still important to me. But know that no matter your age, you will have acne. There will be good days and good picture too to remind you of your younger self, just know that the acne will go away too…in due time.

 

Spring is coming…Day 21

2017-02-08_10-21-22Spring is coming and that brings so many different things for me.
Spring brings home based school state testing. I will have to have to take each child for testing on different days. This is part of the public internet home based school my children attend. While I do no mind taking them for testing, it is when this testing occurs that makes it more difficult.

Spring brings in more business for my seasonal work. My husband and I are self-employed doing lawn care maintenance. While the job may not be taxes on the intellectual mind of doing taxes or auditing bills, my job comes with physical challenges, endurance, and a strong will to provide a professional service. While you may not want to go outside to face the seasonal allergens, the bugs, heat, dirt, and even dog poo…I am out there going from one yard to another doing the tough and dirty job with as much efficiency as possible to get through to the next yard. All the while I have to be sure to pay attention to detail to ensure the full professional service.

Spring brings back the growth, and if you do not know, it is best to mow and bag all the dead growth and remove the lingering leaves from the winter to ensure that your new grass growth is not hindered. When we are mowing and bagging the old growth, we are getting extremely dirty from the dust, dirt, and debris. This new growth pollen, mold from old ground cover, dust from the debris being mulched and bagging brings on allergies.

So, while Spring brings the lots of busy to and forth with the kids testing and work being exhausting and tough, I am looking forward to it! I am looking forward to getting my wintered body back into shape. I enjoy the physical high of knowing I am in excellent physical shape at my age. While I have slowed a bit over the years, I am still happy with the job that I do. I am excited that Spring brings warmer weather that gets me outside where life grows all around you. I’m looking forward to the sun kissing my skin to a nice dark toasted color. I look forward to the starting another season and I pray that we get more profitable business too…in due time.

Helping someone else organize…Day 20

I helped a friend with a task today. She will be moving soon and needed to organize her garage. It was definitely over packed with boxes and totes. I wish I had a before and after picture to show the progress that was made. But it truly made me realize that I am not the only one with the same problem I had.

We all collect things through the years. We have our childhood years that we want to hold onto some things to remind us of those carefree days. Then there is parenthood. Our children grow and go through so many phases, it is hard to find places for things they no longer need, want, or have grown out of. There are countless pictures and keepsakes made by their little hands with love just for you when you were the star in the sky to them. For one reason or another, we all seem to collect things through our lives and those things can soon become a storage shed or garage full that will suddenly seem impossible to tackle.

Today, my friend felt this way and called on me for help. I didn’t really feel like I was helping all that much in the beginning. I found like item boxes that could be condensed from 3 boxes to 1. She had a large trailer that moved the re-packed totes and boxes into for later moving. I even organized the like rooms to different sides of the trailer. After a few hours, some very dirty hands, and a bit of sweat, her garage was 3/4 empty! She admitted that each time she looked at the garage, she didn’t know were to start. But when you get someone else that is not attached to the belongs and not wanting to reminisce upon opening each box, the job was easier to tackle.

It was nice to look back at the garage when it was time for me to leave knowing that I did a good thing for a friend today. And while I know we all seem to collect stuff through the years for sentimental reasons, we can’t keep everything and you at some point have to let some of the stuff go too…in due time.