I’m angry…Day 35

I find I am angry quite often at my husband. I don’t go out of my way to pick fights, rather I feel he goes out of his way to pick fights with me. I know often it is when he is drinking. Alcohol does not do our relationship well. I have never given him an ultimatum that he quite drinking or I leave because he has to make that decision himself. Instead I pray and hope that things will change.

I have my own faults and I deal with my own issues. We all have issues that we have to face, just some different from others. I don’t think he is a bad person because he instigates arguments when he is drinking, in fact, he is a very caring and loyal person. Because of knowing who he is, I have struggled through the years with his ups and downs. But when is it enough for me?

I have asked myself, how many times do I brush it off and forgive? The reason I have made it this far is because the answer of…

Matthew 18:21-22 21Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”22Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

This doesn’t mean literally 77 times. What this means is that you should always forgive as God ALWAYS forgives us of our sins because of his love for us. This is a tough lesson. While I know in my heart that I have asked for forgiveness of my own wrongdoings, I feel reassured and loved by God that he will ALWAYS love and accept me. This attribute is what a marriage is supposed to hold. This is why I say that your spouse should be your best friend…The person that will love you and accept you, even when you have done wrong… Because that wrong does not make the whole person. It is an instant…A mistake because we are not perfect.

So…I find myself angry often and I push myself to remember that I can not change him. I can not make him do anything he doesn’t not want to do. I pray that God will give a loving hand but I also know that His will be done….In due time.

Need more confidence…Day 34

I am still finding that I have trouble writing with anyone around. Even though this post could be read on the web by anyone, I still feel a sense of being alone with my thoughts here. But if I am not physically alone, I don’t feel comfortable with typing out my thoughts for someone else to look over my shoulder and scrutinize. 

Particularly, I don’t want my husband to look over my shoulder; not because anything I say is disrespectful to him but because he is my biggest critic. I tend to take things more personally than what people intend and with that, I tend to take my husband’s words harsher than what he intends. This isn’t his fault, it is mine for being insecure. 

My insecurity comes from my many experiences through life. And while my mother would encourage me to become whatever my heart desires, my heart aches because I do not hear encouraging words enough. I know I can do anything I set my mind to…But I am a person that needs someone else to give me loving nudges. I’m not lazy, just insecure…But I’m working on it…In due time. 

Cheaper to keep her…Day 33

Cheaper to keep her, those are some painful words when in regards to having a marriage. It seems that phrase can be put in place of my past and current marriage. Regardless of how angry you are, these words should never be said because you should not be able to put a price tag on ones that you supposedly love.

It was pointed out to me that since my first marriage produced 7 children, my marriage longevity may have been attributed to the phrase, ‘It is cheaper to keep her’. I guess if one is concerned about the child support payments, then yes, it would be cheaper. And yes, it could still be applied to my current marriage that it is cheaper to keep her because she helps to pay the bills or run a business. But is that how you want to live your life?

Those words are painful to hear have been said about me.
My daugther was informed by her father that they will not be able to visit him this summer due to “you mom over charging me for all the court shit” (typo intentional). First, the child support is reviewing the child support case because one of the children are now 18 years old. There is NOTHING I am doing to charge him anything in court. In fact, if he is being charged any more, it is because the COURT found he has further fullfillment required since the case was not last reviewed for 6 years now. Nor have I seen any increased child support…in fact, the child support has been less since the state took over the transfer of funds. But the implication that it was my fault for his issues with Child Support Services should have not been addressed with her and then made me think about the “cheaper to keep her” statement.

If you have a relationship that is on the edge of breaking, stop and think about what you say because you never know if those are the words that will cut the deepest…in due time.

 

Parenting styles…Day 32

There are a lot of parenting styles and a lot more books, blogs, and articles trying to help support these different parenting styles. There are parents that believe in being overly involved and attend to every whim of the child or parents that believe in giving freedom to explore different ideas. Whatever your style of choice, I say just make a choice and do your best.

I believe what parenting comes to is either do or don’t. What do I mean? Well, I have learned by watching others that a parent becomes one that either is involved or a parent that just hangs around and watches as the child evolves without much input. Of course a good parent wants to be involved but does the other parent know that one is lacking in giving the proper level of interaction?

We are so absorbed into social medias and phone apps that parents lose themselves for hours when they should be checking on their children and being a proactive part of their lives. Furthermore, because some parents get snap shots of their lives with their children, they seem to give off the impression that they are active participants when really those snap shots were times they paid attention and that was only to themselves to make sure they looked good in the pic before posting it. Society and parents have become so self-absorbed that it is hurting the children and teaching the children they have to be extreme to get any attention.

So, what is my point? Whatever your parenting style, choose a style and be an active parent. You may find one thing does not work but with the plethora of information at our fingertips, we can always find more information to help choose another style. So check on your kids grades, if there is any problem, you will not know unless you check and most often the child is not going to willingly tell you there is a problem in Geometry that is beginning to become a hurtful grade. Know what you children are doing, if you know who, what, when, where, and why…they will be less likely to get into trouble or think twice before doing something else because the child knows you are interested in their life.

If you are a parent, be an active part of your child’s life because they grow up and move out to be adults and busy with their own lives and families. And I don’t know about you, but I want to be sure that my children have a solid relationship with me that they will not forget me when they move on. And because I have been and am as proactive parent that wants to be the supporting and loving mom, I hope they will want to continue to share their lives and families with me…in due time.

Aging Dog…Day 30

When I met my husband 7 years ago, he had a pitbull named Junior. Junior was large, strong, very intimidating, playful, loved swimming, and was a huge teddy bear. I never had any problems with him being aggressive to me ever. I came into the marriage with a miniature dachshund, Lilly, and she rules over Junior. Junior has never done anything to ever hurt little Lilly. Lilly has even attacked him many of times over a toy or a bone but Junior ALWAYS lays down submissively to Lilly.

Fast forward to today, you would not see the 80 something pound dog you once saw before. Junior has aged over the years, as we all do. But dogs have a shorter life span and with the shorter life span, I get to watch Junior go down hill. Over the past couple years Junior has lost interest in eating and all the other things he use to do. He has gone from being the dog that wanted to snatch the ball and make you wrestle it from him to being a dog that can barely stand. There are days that I call him Bambi because he can barely keep his legs beneath him like a newborn with wobbly long legs. I call him Bambi so that I don’t feel the heartbreak.

Junior now weighs half as much as he use to and makes me look like I am a bad owner. I have gone through so many different ways to get him to gain weight but he can only eat so much in a day. Once I fed him so much that he vomited…so counter productive. I have tried Junior on soft dog food, I have changed his food to a higher quality food with a premium price, and I even feed him extra snacks. None of this has helped him to gain weight. My mother-in-law saw  him and instantly started feeding him as if I were not already trying to get him to eat more. Initially it hurt my feelings because I thought she believed that I was neglecting him. But she has learned that Junior actually eats more than I do and still looks very thin.

I have read so many vet discussions, articles, tips, and blogs about skinny dogs, causes and helping them put on weight. But today I read something else…aging dogs tend to lose their appetite when they get closer to dying and as long as he is getting up to socialize and eat occasionally, I should be happy that he is still doing well. But it has not stopped me from still feeding him several small meals throughout the day. Today he got up to greet me and wagged his tail really well…he hasn’t had the energy to do that for some time. It was encouraging and made me smile, praise and love him more!

But I also have to face reality. My mother-in-law reminded me that with Junior being about 18 years old, he has already outlived many dogs of his kind. So here is my thought…I will be there and get him to eat until he is ready to lay down the last time. I will love Junior and make him as happy and comfortable as I possibly can because that is how I would want to be treated. I want to be surrounded by those that I love and be happy when my days come to an end. As for Junior, he too will be loved until he lays down to rest…in due time.

Headache again…Day 28

I didn’t write yesterday because I was hurting with a really bad headache that made me want to vomit and lay down. The pain lasted all day and has lingered all day today. I don’t know it is seasonal allergies, the change of the weather, or something new that I have eaten. The only thing new that I have eaten is a pre-cooked microwave bacon and blueberry muffin. While I tend to not believe that it was not the muffin, I fear it may have been the bacon. But to linger into today and this evening as well?

If  it is seasonal allergies, then I am in a world of hurt soon because our work season is starting soon too.

To make matter worse, my husband and I have been arguing too. Arguing leads me to feel sick with the stress too. I have a lot to ponder about all that was said but it will have to wait for another day when I am feeling better…in due time.

Divorce…Day 27

Divorce…It was an action I swore I would never let happen. Marriage met till death due us part. My father was married 4 times! I asked about why  he married so many times and he told me that his wives left him or they were crazy…literally. His fourth wife was different because they didn’t have any children together. In fact, I think I was a big part of the reason why they divorced. He wasn’t happy anyways and maybe I just helped him make the decision to divorce. Regardless, my father never married again. He told me that I was the only female he needed in his life anymore. And I did take care of him for a long time…until he decided it was time to move back to Michigan and spend some time there with his other children. I knew what that meant…but maybe that is a story for some other time.

So my father had advice to give me on marriage. He didn’t give me advice on what to do but more of what NOT to do.
Never go to bed angry.
One would think that such simple words would be easy to live by but they are not.

I was married for 20 years before I succumbed to divorce and I am now on my second marriage for 4 years, together for 6 years. There are times that I fear that my current marriage will fail too and then I fixate on why I feel this way. I often come to conclusion that I do not follow my father’s rule…Never go to bed angry.

How do you never go to bed angry when at some point one stops talking just so the arguing will stop? And if you wake angry the next morning, are you wrong for bringing it back up or do you let it go truly resulting in it being bottled up and becoming a quick fuse?

I then turn to the Bible and verses.

EPHESIANS 4:26
(I will give a few different interpretations.)
KJ- “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath,”
CJB- “Be angry, but don’t sin — don’t let the sun go down before you have dealt with the cause of your anger;”
Ok, so I get where my father told me to ‘Never to go to bed angry’.
I have yet to master.

Mark 10:12 – “And if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery”
Luke 16:18 – “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.”
Matthew 5:31-32 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Well, now I am confused. If the marriage is not faithful, is it okay for a divorce then? Am I and my current husband (on his 3rd marriage) living in sin? Does that make the marriage wrong? Or does it make it doomed to fail? I am left with more questions than what I started with and I never seem to find the answer.

So, the lesson today? Before you ever get married, be sure that person is the one that you can foresee being with you until you are both old. Before you get married be sure that is your best friend that will be a true partner and hold you up when you are down. Before you get married, remember you never want to get a divorce and the person is someone you will always find a ‘I love you’ for even when you are mad. But most of all, be sure before you get married that you both agree to “Never go to bed angry”. As for me…I’m still working on it and maybe one day I will master it…in due time.

Life.Church…Day 25

I have always been a spiritual or religious person. For a long time I followed the labels. I explored different religions. I even attended Catholic Mass and confession during military basic training. But for a long time, because I found the Christian churches I went to were not Godly people, I taught my children the balance of life. I taught them right from wrong and respect for others. I even taught them the doubts I had on religion. For teaching them my doubts, I deeply regrets.

I fear that teaching them my doubts and not raising them with the label of Christianity has hurt them. Or at least, I fear it may have led a few further from the path than I had hoped.

This past October my sister-in-law invited us to Life.Church for the baptism of her two children. I was totally excited! When I got to the church, it was not what I expected. It was loud with colorful spotlights dark and bright at the same time like a concert. It was not a church I have ever attended! But we sat and was there for family. To my surprise, I enjoyed the service! I enjoyed it so much that I looked forward to hearing the next Sunday service. To be honest though, after a couple of months we stopped going in person and started casting it on the TV at home. While I prefer the at home on TV experience, my husband prefers the in person experience.

Each week there is something in the service that speaks to the happenings of my life. (Today Pastor Craig talked about his wife being his best friend…something I have been talking about with my husband) And while I have listened and learned each week, my heart always pulls me back to my older children that I did not raise in a Christian home. I worry most about my eldest that seems to struggle with finding the right person to share his life with. And I fear that my other son that now lives with him will share in the like emotional detachment. Don’t get me wrong, my children are good people and adults. I love them and am very proud of each of them. I just worry that some may have fallen away from God’s path too far.

So, what is the point of the blog today besides the rambling of my shortcomings and finding the right service? My point is never give up finding the right service for you. If you are searching for Jesus and need some guidance, pray. Don’t give up. I am happy to have found Life.Church. And if you have wouldn’t mind, please pray for my older boys that they will come back to the path of love and light with Jesus…in due time.

I Want to Believe But…Part 1 On-Demand God

I Want to Believe But…Part 2 Killjoy God

I Want to Believe But…Part 3 Goosebump God

I Want to Believe But…Part 4 Heartless God

 

Struggling…Day 23

I’m gonna be honest, I’m struggling. I am struggling because I am not happy. I struggle to talk to my husband about my thoughts and feelings, but it always ends up being an argument. I could go into detail but I am not comfortable with expressing that much personal information. Not only do I not want to “air” my personal relationship problems out of respect for my husband but I have also found that no matter what, the reader will side with the writer and the husband always ends up sounding like a jerk. And while we all have our moments in life that we all can sound like a jerk, that is not my goal. My goal is to get more perspective and better myself.

I am struggling because I am not happy and I don’t see how I can solve my problems to make me happy. Our conversations end up being about the negative things in our relationship and will often put one on defense to the point that both of us will feel defensive and there is no productive solution or communication. Resentment builds and the problems lingers day in and day out. My husband is not unfaithful to me and nor does he hit me but I am still not happy because I feel like we are at the point that we are living side by side. He doesn’t worry if I eat. I cry and most often he does not notice. I try to not cry in front of him anymore because my crying will lead him to ask me what is wrong and from there, it is not productive.

Communication is not our best attribute in our relationship. This morning he noticed me crying and when he inquired, I said, “Nothing.” When he questioned about me crying about “nothing” and I responded, “Nothing that we will talk about.” Yes, I know that I was not communicating well there but at the same time, I can no longer argue…it is exhausting and painful. Arguments bring painful comments from the other and those words can not be taken away. Instead, I have learned to not say anything…but then the resentment and anger builds….what a horrible cycle.

It seems like  he recognizes it from time to time and tries to make an effort. One day when he could feel me pulling away, he walked up and told me that he wanted to be my best friend. I pray often. And when he says certain things, I feel like I need to put forth more effort to not let things bother me so much. But then things fall back into the same cycles and nothing changes.

So, I am struggling. I am not being productive in my relationship and I feel like I have become less productive in my life too. Hence, I am talking to myself here on WordPress. I tell myself I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have a best friend in my husband. I deserve being able to talk to him about anything and everything….but am I wrong? Do I desire too much? Am I really just here alone wandering through life alone? Alone in my head…alone in taking care of me…Will I always feel like this, struggling alone? I don’t know…I am working on it between my head and here…in due time.

Pajamas…Day 17

From the time that we are little ones, we have been changed into pajamas for bed. There was nothing like a nice warm bath and some snuggly pajamas to get you ready for a slumber. The pajama attire can come in many forms from snuggly to sexy. Personally, I prefer the snuggly and never desired anything more than what serves for my cozy bedtime.

Why do we have pajamas for bed and not just go to bed in the clothes we did out day long activities in? Well, I explain to my children quite often that your daily activities show on your clothes, even if you don’t see it. The daily germs, bugs, and viruses will cling to your clothes. Someone else is sick and sneezes or coughs on you, it is best to not take those germs to bed and incubate in them. Therefore, you most hygienic solution is to shower and put on your clean pajamas before bed.

But there is another flip side…staying in your pajamas beyond or too long into your daily activities. Sure, I am not one to get up immediately and get dressed. I tend to lag around getting coffee and going to the bathroom. But once I am ready to start my day, it is time to get dressed. Have you ever stayed in your pajamas all day long? You were probably either sick and in bed or just did not have a very productive day. I think getting up and getting dressed for the day helps one to be ready to accomplish more and encourages you to not be lazy throughout the day.

Then there are people I have seen go to the store in their pajamas. Ok, I just have to be honest and tell you, if you go to the store in your pajamas you look like a lazy bum that couldn’t even bother to look presentable. If I see you in the store shopping in your pajamas, I am going to hope that you are sick and just stopping to get what will remedy your ailment.

And last, but not least as to why pajamas are so important AND why I have never understood why or how some people could sleep withOUT pajamas….
Fire! Fire!
What if there was a fire? Do you run around trying to get everyone out naked? Do you run out while the house is a blaze without a stitch of clothing on and all your clothes are in the burning house? What the heck? There is no way I would want to have to worry about throwing on clothes or standing outside in my skin for all to see in such a tragedy.

Pajamas can be great when worn properly. So, enjoy some great pajamas and if you don’t have any great pajamas, maybe you should go out and find the right pair that will make you smile and say, “Now those will make me snuggly, warm, and happy in bed”…in due time.