I’m angry…Day 35

I find I am angry quite often at my husband. I don’t go out of my way to pick fights, rather I feel he goes out of his way to pick fights with me. I know often it is when he is drinking. Alcohol does not do our relationship well. I have never given him an ultimatum that he quite drinking or I leave because he has to make that decision himself. Instead I pray and hope that things will change.

I have my own faults and I deal with my own issues. We all have issues that we have to face, just some different from others. I don’t think he is a bad person because he instigates arguments when he is drinking, in fact, he is a very caring and loyal person. Because of knowing who he is, I have struggled through the years with his ups and downs. But when is it enough for me?

I have asked myself, how many times do I brush it off and forgive? The reason I have made it this far is because the answer of…

Matthew 18:21-22 21Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”22Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

This doesn’t mean literally 77 times. What this means is that you should always forgive as God ALWAYS forgives us of our sins because of his love for us. This is a tough lesson. While I know in my heart that I have asked for forgiveness of my own wrongdoings, I feel reassured and loved by God that he will ALWAYS love and accept me. This attribute is what a marriage is supposed to hold. This is why I say that your spouse should be your best friend…The person that will love you and accept you, even when you have done wrong… Because that wrong does not make the whole person. It is an instant…A mistake because we are not perfect.

So…I find myself angry often and I push myself to remember that I can not change him. I can not make him do anything he doesn’t not want to do. I pray that God will give a loving hand but I also know that His will be done….In due time.

Aging Dog…Day 30

When I met my husband 7 years ago, he had a pitbull named Junior. Junior was large, strong, very intimidating, playful, loved swimming, and was a huge teddy bear. I never had any problems with him being aggressive to me ever. I came into the marriage with a miniature dachshund, Lilly, and she rules over Junior. Junior has never done anything to ever hurt little Lilly. Lilly has even attacked him many of times over a toy or a bone but Junior ALWAYS lays down submissively to Lilly.

Fast forward to today, you would not see the 80 something pound dog you once saw before. Junior has aged over the years, as we all do. But dogs have a shorter life span and with the shorter life span, I get to watch Junior go down hill. Over the past couple years Junior has lost interest in eating and all the other things he use to do. He has gone from being the dog that wanted to snatch the ball and make you wrestle it from him to being a dog that can barely stand. There are days that I call him Bambi because he can barely keep his legs beneath him like a newborn with wobbly long legs. I call him Bambi so that I don’t feel the heartbreak.

Junior now weighs half as much as he use to and makes me look like I am a bad owner. I have gone through so many different ways to get him to gain weight but he can only eat so much in a day. Once I fed him so much that he vomited…so counter productive. I have tried Junior on soft dog food, I have changed his food to a higher quality food with a premium price, and I even feed him extra snacks. None of this has helped him to gain weight. My mother-in-law saw  him and instantly started feeding him as if I were not already trying to get him to eat more. Initially it hurt my feelings because I thought she believed that I was neglecting him. But she has learned that Junior actually eats more than I do and still looks very thin.

I have read so many vet discussions, articles, tips, and blogs about skinny dogs, causes and helping them put on weight. But today I read something else…aging dogs tend to lose their appetite when they get closer to dying and as long as he is getting up to socialize and eat occasionally, I should be happy that he is still doing well. But it has not stopped me from still feeding him several small meals throughout the day. Today he got up to greet me and wagged his tail really well…he hasn’t had the energy to do that for some time. It was encouraging and made me smile, praise and love him more!

But I also have to face reality. My mother-in-law reminded me that with Junior being about 18 years old, he has already outlived many dogs of his kind. So here is my thought…I will be there and get him to eat until he is ready to lay down the last time. I will love Junior and make him as happy and comfortable as I possibly can because that is how I would want to be treated. I want to be surrounded by those that I love and be happy when my days come to an end. As for Junior, he too will be loved until he lays down to rest…in due time.

Headache again…Day 28

I didn’t write yesterday because I was hurting with a really bad headache that made me want to vomit and lay down. The pain lasted all day and has lingered all day today. I don’t know it is seasonal allergies, the change of the weather, or something new that I have eaten. The only thing new that I have eaten is a pre-cooked microwave bacon and blueberry muffin. While I tend to not believe that it was not the muffin, I fear it may have been the bacon. But to linger into today and this evening as well?

If  it is seasonal allergies, then I am in a world of hurt soon because our work season is starting soon too.

To make matter worse, my husband and I have been arguing too. Arguing leads me to feel sick with the stress too. I have a lot to ponder about all that was said but it will have to wait for another day when I am feeling better…in due time.

Acne…Day 22

Acne…such a horrible word that makes one think eww. Acne is a part of life no matter what your age. Babies tend to get what is called “baby acne”. That is caused by the hormones from mom to baby within a couple of months after birth. Of course there are the teens years when one’s hormones are raging into puberty. I haven’t met a teen yet that ever went through his or her puberty stages without being hit with a acne stick, good or bad. But I have found that no matter the age, we all suffer acne.

When I was a teen, all I was told was that I would grow out of it. Sure, I grew out of being a teen with acne into being a woman that would suffer a flare up once a month with my period. Just when I thought I would have a nice clear complexion, up boiled an ugly pimple with my period. It wasn’t enough that I had to deal with the pain from my period but I also would have to tend to a growing mountain on my face that I would then have to judge to pop or leave alone. Yes, I know dermatologists say to not pop them…but come on, we all have been there.

Later I learned that being pregnant came with its own set of acne. Pregnancy not only beings on MORE hormones but also more oil production. Have you ever heard of a pregnant woman has that shine or a glow about her? Yeah, the truth is, the shine or glow is extra oil production. Thank again Mother Nature for another round of “don’t look at me” face.

Now that I am past my baby, teen, puberty, and pregnancy years, I hoped that I would have more clear skin. And while I do not have the common monthly flare ups anymore, I do still have acne. Spring comes and my allergies will come out through my skin too. Or my job doesn’t exactly keep me clean, since I work outside with dirt, grass, and weeds stuck to me for hours, does not help to stop blackheads. Eww, that’s another acne form…blackheads. I don’t care what a dermatologist says, those blackheads do NOT come out on their own. I have seen some people leave them and it just makes their pore bigger and bigger. By the time the black head is removed, the pore is a large hole and may not go back down to the once smaller size.

So if acne is so common, why do we all feel so embarrassed by it? Why would I feel so insecure that I would not ask my husband to help me with one that I can not reach or see myself? In fact, even other animals get acne. Before the skin of a cow is stretched and pulled into leather, it has to be expressed of any flaws aka acne.

And before I leave the subject, let me just say that ProActiv does NOT work!!! Ok, it didn’t work for me. It actually made my skin crack and bleed. When I tried to call to report it the company, I was told to keep using it and my skin would get use to it. Umm….well, I tried for a couple months and no…my skin looked like I was burned. Sorry ProActiv, your product was NOT for me!

I know I am not a young doe anymore and my looks are still important to me. But know that no matter your age, you will have acne. There will be good days and good picture too to remind you of your younger self, just know that the acne will go away too…in due time.

 

Food reaction…Day 18

I had a food reaction to eating out last night. I was not able to post and I still feel a bit sluggish. I wasn’t wanting to admit to myself that I was having a reaction and even when I did admit it to myself, I forgot to take allergy meds right away.

It isn’t easy to sit in a restaurant and start to feel this reaction begin to kick in. At first I think I am just too full and stop eating. I try to ignore it and join in the conversation. But then the shakes and the faster heart beat kicks in and it is hard to avoid. By the time I get to that point, I am just wanting to lay down and rest. But the rest becomes unrest when I feel like I have to spend a bit of time in the bathroom. If you have ever had to sit on the toilet and hug a trashcan at the same time, you can be empathetic to my pain.

I have found that the allergy pill helps a lot though and now I need a bit more rest.
I know I will feel better…in due time.

Third point of view…Day 12

I have often heard, “There are two sides to a story.” But that line leaves out the possibility of another point to view; it would actually be better if you learned how to have a third point of view. To have a third point of view would mean that each party is equally heard and understood. That would mean that even though you may not agree with me, you are still open enough to understand the logic of the other point of view. If you can achieve this, then you will have a third point of view.

However, this does not always happen with both parties. Often, one party is able to see that third point of view but does not get the sense the other comes to the same view. Quite often the person that achieves third point of view will start to build resentment and lack of equality.

Take the time to view both sides.
Know that if you want to be treated a certain way, you must serve as an example.
BUT, also know that you can not change anyone else other than yourself. If the other will never see your point of view, it is better to walk away than to build resentment. Resentment builds over time and can poison any relationship….in due time.

Horror Movies…Day 8

I did not get to write yesterday (Day 8) because I didn’t have enough alone quiet time. I do not write well when there is a busy household happening in the background. Nor do I write well when I feel like someone is hanging over my shoulder. Even though I have committed myself to writing 365…I am not going to let myself become burdened by missing a day and feeling as if I have to double up the following day. This will cause stress and regret toward writing again. I want my writing to be beneficial, not harmful.

With that said, I will continue on with Day 8….

Horror movies. I think there is a certain personality type that enjoys horror movies. While I could link a study about the percentage of people thrilled to watch a horror movie, it seems there is a study out there that will manipulate the query or findings to interpret whatever you are wanting to use for your persuasion. There are statistics that say more men enjoy horrors than women; I am sure that must be true on the opposite spectrum that more women enjoy romance aka chick flicks more that of a man. But now I am getting into more complicated topics that should be reserved for future topics…back to personality types that enjoy horror. Or maybe I should say, there are personality types that do NOT enjoy horror.

Let’s face it, I was crying and totally upset when they ended the movie, ‘Marley and Me’ with Marley dying and no spark of happiness when the credits rolled over the screen. I was left expressing that someone should have warned me because I also had crying children at the end when I thought I would send them to bed with smiling feel good faces. Ugh! How horrible! I didn’t want the cruel world as a source of my entertainment that night! And when it comes down to it, I want my entertainment help me to smile, laugh, and feel refreshed enough to face the harsh cruel reality of life when that flickering light screen turns off.

I did title this Horror movies and there are some many types….Saw, The Conjuring,  Amityville Horror, The Shining, Jaws, Halloween, Ring, The Omen, Psycho, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and more… Their commonality is they all scare a person because it displays horrid and gruesome deaths. Why? Why would someone being cut fillet and eaten like that of Silence of the Lambs or The Walking Dead be entertaining? I do not enjoy watching one person have to murder another to save the lives of himself and his family as a source of entertainment to take me away of the cruel world. Actually, there are so many stories of real people being cruel, murderous, and doing heinous crimes against others that there have been many of shows dedicated to re-enacting their crimes.

I don’t know how else to explain that there are personality types, like me, that do not enjoy watching pain being inflicted on to others. I don’t even like watching those videos that shows someone doing something stupid and breaking an arm or leg. #EpicFails
I am getting older and don’t need to be reminded of death because the pain of life reminds me every time I wake. I need to be reminded that love is what life is about. What one knows in life, one will also know in death. I want my life to be joy, so in death my joy will multiply with heaven and my passed loved ones…in due time.

Day 8

 

Careers…

Who am I to speak of a career? I am 42 yrs old and I haven’t really had a career that would be very impressive on a resume. I have served in the US Air Force where I worked in a hospital as support to an Air Transport Hospital, aka I was in Medical Logistics. I loved my job in the service! But due to my ever-growing family, I could no longer put service before self. I was pregnant with child #6 and was told that as soon as I came back from maternity leave, I would be sent on a deployment. Push came to shove, I got out of the military with an honorable discharge on my pregnancy. Sadly, I later learned that I made Staff Sergeant on my first test! I could have had a successful career.

I became a stay at home mom for sometime and added child #7 during the career change. I loved being home with my children but I also wanted more than that. I became a Jack of All Trades but a matter at none. I worked as seasonal overnight crew at ToysRUs, an asst manager in food, a store manager for Dollar General, a photographer for school portraits, an auditor for a billing company, a photographer again in a portrait studio and even a sandwich artist. Of course there are more but I don’t want to list every odd job I have had. The point is, I don’t truly have a career. I don’t have something that I can fall back on doing until I reach retirement.

Currently I am working with my 2nd husband in the business he created 10 yrs ago. I have been working along side of him for the past 6 yrs doing lawn maintenance. My husband mows and I do the running around with the trimmer and edger. I do the detail work that others do not really care to do, do not have the time or may lack the ability to do it themselves. So they hire us and I am very proud of the work that I do. It isn’t easy! And the work definitely keeps me in good physical shape! (I love the muscles in my arms:) Here comes the but…. But I am getting older and reminded by my husband and the aches and pains of my body that I can’t do this job until I retire either.

So now what? I have spent most of my life taking care of my children and others leaving me not knowing what I am going to do because I lack the technical skills to acquire a career to carry me the next 25 yrs or so.

What is the lesson learned? I stress to my children to go to college and get a career that will benefit the life style they chose. As for me…I will find something else to do, in due time.

Day 7

Perspective

I have a tattoo of a quote from a Tolkien book, ‘Lord of the Rings’. The quote is, “Not all who wander are lost.” I am not a Tolkien or Lord of the Rings fan. Rather, I am a person that stumbled onto a bracelet with the quote and found that I never wanted to lose it. I have very few tattoos but this quote has always spoke volumes to me.

It is all a matter of perspective. I may appear to others as if I am wondering but I will have a direction. But there are times that I feel that I am wandering and lost but it is only because I have not learned yet that I was always on a path that God meant me to be.

I do not know what my or the greater purpose is in life. I sometimes think that the answer is LOVE but then reality will crush that thought again.
Even though I have struggles in life, as we all suffer, I don’t want to forget to hold onto that perspective that Everything happens for a reason. Just because I do not know that reason and maybe never will know the reason, it does not mean that I have to focus on the negative aspect.

And yet, I always feel unhappy…..I am a walking contradiction. I will find my path that will make me happy. Life’s bumps and bruises will help me recognize when I am truly happy. I’m working on it and it will happen in due time.

 

Day 3