Smoking…

I smoked for a number of years…More than what I care to admit. But I also quit for a number of years too. Near the end of my first marriage, I started smoking again. It was what helped me drive the words out of my mouth to get a divorce. Needless to say, there is a pattern….I started smoking again and used it to drive words from my mouth again. I don’t want to say the cigarette is the cause of divorce, it is just a crutch I have used and I see the same similarities.

Well, I am still here with my 2nd husband and I admitted to him that I started smoking again. He noticed the similarities too. However, he isn’t a smoker….He drinks. (He picked up the habit from me in the beginning of our relationship but we quit a few years ago) I tried drinking when he and I were dating and have even tried to find drinks that I might like through the years. But in the end, I just don’t like drinking and how it makes me feel…I commonly will vomit and wake with a massive headache…Great way for me NOT to want to drink.

Well, once my husband learned of me smoking again, he started drinking more. So I had a choice, quit smoking or know he is going to drink more and his words and actions will get worse. Over the past week of me quiting smoking, he has worked on making things better….He has helped with the kids, lead a family meeting about chores, and even has more motivation to work our business. So, me not smoking is a good thing….Good for my health and good for our relationship. Then why am I still angry?

I haven’t smoked for over a week now. The nicotine is out of my system. The first 24 hours is the worst in making one cranky, so I kept to myself. It angered my husband and he told me that I am obviously not happy and should just leave and even told me he regretted talking me into staying….But I kept my mouth shut. Did he mean it?

The withdrawal past and I have resisted the urge to smoke knowing that if I do, he will drink liquor instead of just beer. But I am still angry. I still want a cigarette. So I still struggle in my head knowing all the above and I even get irritated at him when he leaves to get beer or goes to his mom’s room (where he would get shots of whiskey from). I don’t ask him if he got a shot or if he bought only beer….I stay in my head telling myself I can only control me.

But that’s the problem, I want to be the person that controls me, not someone else. I’m an adult but can’t make the choice to smoke to help me think and keep my head straight. Yes, that is what I do when I smoke…I chill. I found when I smoked behind his back, I didn’t have as many outbursts or my frustrations we’re easier to deal with because I would chill with a cigarette. Instead of pointing out in anger that the Dogopoloy has been sitting there for 3 days, I would smoke a cigarette and let him deal with it or find the patience to ask someone nicely to take care of it. I no longer have that crutch and am getting more irritated by the day. We had a family meeting and covered that they haven’t been doing the chores and went through the rules or expectations… They are all teens and close to being adults. I should not have so much trouble getting them to clean up after themselves…They aren’t babies anymore and their Mom HAS taught them to clean up after themselves.

So a cigarette helped. It helped me to bite my tongue and I found more patience while chilling. Not anymore.

I have to be the perfect ideal person….But it is impossible to fill and not be angry.

I hope my anger will subside…In due time.

Are you in a hurry?

I told my husband that I wanted to leave. By this I mean I want to move out and divorce. I have been thinking and warning for some time that I am getting to that point. Easter night was the final straw. After him getting drunk and saying things he says he does not remember…But I do and his lashing words have left deep cuts that you cannot see. 

I could not sleep until late because I was considering telling him in the morning I was ready to leave. Come morning, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack getting the courage up to say those words….And I did.

But I am still here. Why? He asked me if I was in a hurry and if I could wait until this weekend to see if I feel the same way. He said that leaving is like cheating, once you go, you can not come back. 

I don’t want to make a mistake by leaving. He is the most loyal person I have met. My last marriage of 20 years, I can’t count how many times the relationship was assualted by infidelity. I have never had the confidence that when my husband left, I knew where he was really going. Now, my husband leaves to run an errand, I’m not worrying about who he is doing because I know I am his only partner.

But I cannot base our relationship success soley on fidelity. A relationship requires more than one to just be faithful sexually. I need to feel as if I am loved for who am, not the ideal person he wants to make me into. I want to be remembered or be the person he takes into consideration when making decisions. My feelings are not a social justice warrior’s words and agressions. My feelings are directly affected by others around me…And if you don’t care if I eat or not because you only make ham that I don’t like, or do nothing to help me when I am sick, my feelings are going to respond with being hurt. I end up feeling alone. And when I bring it up, I am told there are plenty of other things to eat or I have an entitled mentality. 😞 I am NOT a social justice warrior and I believe my husband should be the one to always take MY feelings into consideration when making decisions…Including on having beans and ham for dinner…That again he knows I don’t like. 

Easter Sunday I spent angry ​and hurt. Monday I spent crying, talking, yelling, and asking questions to better communicate. Tuesday we talked some in the morning but it was my son’s birthday, so more time was also spent on him. Wednesday, I am sitting here waiting to see how our day will go. He told me the purpose of waiting until this weekend is so we could have time to talk it out. Will we talk it out or will he avoid it like usual? I guess I will know, in due time.